Be Right Back.
occurred to me today that the
Pope visits countries the way Disney used to
re-release their films... about once every seven
That's so an entirely new group of 7-year-olds
can be properly indoctrinated into the product.
More importantly, the parents can witness the
event through their
eyes, thus further cementing the consumer relationship.
Mmmmm. That's good marketing.
and welcome back to the 61st Tertio-Centennial
Crucifixion Celebration, brought to you live
via satellite by Fox News. I'm your host Sean
Hannity, along with
the delightful Anne Coulter, and we're here in
Jerusalem gleefully awaiting the arrival of Jesus
Christ for his 61st date with destiny on Calvary
That's right, Sean. Every thirty-three years
the reincarnated Jesus is hunted down like an
animal and returned to Golgotha for another holy
crucifixion. This year he was particularly hard
to track down as there was some evidence of plastic
surgery and gender modification. But with the
help of the brave boys of the Mossad
working in a Condoms To Go outside of Corsicana,
Texas. Great work, lads!
Below us a huge crowd of the faithful, along
with any number of blood-thirsty freaks and Jesus
impersonators, has assembled from all corners
of the globe and
lining the main road, anxiously awaiting
the arrival of the next float in the parade.
Down among the crowd I see any number of glow-in-the-dark
crowns of thorns, a very popular item this year,
and almost all of the kiddies are gaily cracking
their toy whips as though the Lord's flesh was
beneath their Nike Air jackboots. How adorable.
Just a minute, Sean! Here comes the next float
now and, ohhhh, is that who I think it is?
He's fat, he's jolly, and he's heard on 3000
radio stations. Give it up for.... Rush Limbaughhhhhhh!
He's riding atop an award-winning float sponsored
by the Pfizer Company. It depicts my personal
favorite Bible story where 42 naughty children
get mauled by
bears under the command of God himself. And did
I mention it was hand-constructed using over
and Viagra tablets?
Just look at that fantastic animation, Anne.
Did you know it takes two 500-horsepower diesel
engines to move all that blood? That'll teach
those pesky kids to call that old man bald. Hah-ha-ha-haaa!
Not that Rush is bald.
Oh, no. No. I'd never call Rush bald. Never.
Never in a million years. He'd break me like
a, like a twig. Yeah, a twig.
Okayyy, we'll be back in a moment to count down
the seconds leading up to the driving of the
first nail, impaled into Christ's body by our
own Sarah Palin. But first this word from Olive
Garden, where even the last supper could the
BEST supper ever!