There Be Smart-assery
time I hear a Conservative demagogue dig deep into the Bible
in defense of some crackpot notion regarding science or history
I just crack open Genesis and
start laughing. Seriously, you'd get more useful information
reading the sides of cereal packets. Get this...
According to the Bible, God created light without first creating suns
(and lets not forget that 80% of the known universe consists of dark
matter). Neat trick, huh? At which point He created, in the following
order, the Earth, the Sun, the Moon and the stars. That's sort of like
building a house first and then adding the plumbing and wiring later.
Hey, wait a minute! Didn't He create light first? If so, why do we need
the Sun? Yeah, I know... details, details.
Anyhoo, this was by now the end of the fourth Day. We've the Earth, the
Sun, the Moon and, most importantly, the stars in the sky to keep time
by. Yes, that's specifically why God made them, so we'll know what time
it is, eventually leading to a consumer society where every moment of
our day is driven by the clock to the exact second. Thanks a heap, God.
So what's next? Ah, yes.... fish and birds on the Fifth Day, which is
odd because God then makes all the rest of the Earth's creatures on the
Sixth Day. This long list includes all the land animals, both male and
female humans and, oddly enough, insects. But why not make them all on
the Fifth Day?
Does God think fish and birds are somehow different from bears and bunnies?
Is this part of that "Two sets of dishes" thing?
So now we have a fully populated universe, right? Well, no. Because in
Chapter Two we back up to a barren and formless Earth, at which point
God makes Adam from mud and plants the trees. (In case you're not keeping
score that's two conflicting stories of the creation of man.) God then
makes all the animals and then personally, that's "personally",
presents each one, individually, to Adam so that the most famous of First
Men can name them.
Can you just imagine how much fun that must have been?
"Hi, Adam. Got another one for you."
"Oh, goody. What is it this time? Another fucking cricket?"
"Calm down, Adam. There are only 650 more crickets to go. By the way, how
do you know about fucking?"
"Oh, uhhhh... Hey! What's the other thing you got there? That big white
"Well, you tell me."
"Okay... it's a... it's a.... polar bear! Yeah, a polar bear. What's it
"Beg your pardon?"
"Hello! Huge carnivore! Obviously designed for cold climates! We're more
or less equatorial but he looks like he would give anything for
why'd I say
Back to the mud thing for a moment. Why mud and why only Adam? Everything
else in the universe seems to have appeared at the snap of God's little
pinky yet we're somehow supposed to be honored to have been derived from
This nonsense is just the first couple of pages.
It wouldn't be such a big, hairy deal if they
kept this book in the Fiction section of the
library but there are WAYYY too many people running
around with voters cards who think it offers
a perfectly cohesive theory of
the origins of life.
As Dear Leader might say... "Enough!"