Empty Stockings
 I hate
to tell you this but the Salvation Army believes
that if you're gay you should be celibate.
That's right, if you have a feverish hankerin'
for the nether regions of the same sex you should
instead just wash the cat or recite Armenian
haikus. Anything but rub yourself vigorously
against the hoo-ha or the thing-a-ma-doodle of
the object of your
affections.
Don't believe me? You
can
read
it for
yourself
in the "Homosexuality" section of the
Salvation Army's "Position Statements" page to
be found here.
The Salvation Army is, of course, free to be
all the neanderthal asswipes they can be. This
is, after all, America, where such
intolerance can
win you
a senate
seat in certain southern states. But just keep
in mind which Americans they're discriminating
against
the
next you see
that
red pot at the entrances to malls, shops and
stores.
This, of course, means you homophobes
reading this rant will just dig that much deeper
the next time you're confronted by the happy, bigoted minions
of the
SA,
if only to bolster your innate fears of things you don't
understand. Fine. As long as someone is benefitted and
you're
out
cold, hard cash.
Assholes.
If, however, you're not a complete knucklehead
and prefer to benefit a charity that helps everyone,
even southern fundamentalist
heterosexuals,
then please donate generously to Second
Harvest/Feeding America as
they don't
care whose
bellies
they
fill with good, nourishing food. The hoo-ha rubbing
they leave to you.
And thanks.
Addendum: I just learned that
in 2004 New York City was proposing legislation
requiring all firms doing business with the city
to offer health benefits to the partners of gay
staffers.
The Salvation Army's response was to threaten to pull all of their New York charities.
Nice.
Since they had contracts worth millions of dollars with the city they eventually
caved. They chose money over belief. What else is new?
---------
 And
now a friendly warning... if you're wandering
the aisles of your local video store and chance
upon a title called "Orphan", keep
moving. The packaging gives the indication that
this is a
sophisticated horror film involving a disturbed
little orphan
girl. It's actually a 4th-rate pot-boiler
where every plot device is predicated on its
characters acting like they've been storing their
brains in lukewarm pickle juice for the past
several years.
Okay, it's spoiler time. Here's the movie's "shocking" plot twist:
The orphan girl is really a thirty-something dwarf who has escaped from a Russian
mental hospital. She spends her life disguised as an artistically gifted 9-year-old,
fake pre-pubescent teeth and all, letting herself be serially adopted and then
killing all the members of each new family in order to eventually seduce, and
then kill, the father.
Beats working in an office, I guess.
And, yes, I said "seduce", but don't get your hopes up, pedophiles.
The scene is about as graphic as a J.C. Penney's newspaper ad yet it's the single
most creepy, cringingly awful romantic moment in the history of mainstream film.
Let me also add that wherever this girl shows up people die, houses burn down
and no one suspects a thing. Because she's nine, you see.
Don't let the hilariously favorable fake reviews on Amazon.com fool you. This
is not just a bad movie, this is punishable.
=Lefty=
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