Bottom Of The Eighth.
“We hang the petty thieves
and appoint the great ones to public office.” -
George W. Bush has, unsurprisingly to those of us who
survived his governorship of Texas, proved
to be not just ineffectual as a President but catastrophic
as well. It's too bad he's not still running
the Texas Rangers, but if he were:
• The stands would be filled with those under contract to
Halliburton, KBR or Blackwater, and they'd be paid $100,000
to be there.
• The minimum-wage employees doing all the dirty work would
never be allowed to leave the stadium.
• Hot dogs would be made in China and only cost a quarter
each but they'd be stuffed with lawn clippings and construction
price of nacho cheese would skyrocket to $200 a barrel.
• The entire home team would be standing in deep left field
while the opponents, the Middle East All-Stars, would be
run the bases ceaselessly.
• Though never at bat, the Rangers would never be behind
in the score, at least according to the official scoreboard,
• Random fans of the visiting team would be "not tortured"
just to keep up morale.
• The tarp would be brought out to cover the field three
days after the rains had passed.
• Thursdays would be Free Shotgun Night.
• The nearby Six Flags Over Texas would be destroyed when
struck by a pair of speeding Trailways buses filled with
cheerleaders from the Big East conference. The next day
all of the current and former Yale mascots would be hastily
of the country.
• And when the Rangers finally made it to the World Series,
Bush would go on vacation at the ranch because, you know,
ya gotta clear that brush.