Bottom Of The Eighth.

“We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.” - Aesop


George W. Bush has, unsurprisingly to those of us who survived his governorship of Texas, proved to be not just ineffectual as a President but catastrophic as well. It's too bad he's not still running the Texas Rangers, but if he were:

• The stands would be filled with those under contract to Halliburton, KBR or Blackwater, and they'd be paid $100,000 to be there.

• The minimum-wage employees doing all the dirty work would never be allowed to leave the stadium.

• Hot dogs would be made in China and only cost a quarter each but they'd be stuffed with lawn clippings and construction debris.

• The price of nacho cheese would skyrocket to $200 a barrel.

• The entire home team would be standing in deep left field while the opponents, the Middle East All-Stars, would be allowed to run the bases ceaselessly.

• Though never at bat, the Rangers would never be behind in the score, at least according to the official scoreboard, the official announcer and Fox News.

• Random fans of the visiting team would be "not tortured" just to keep up morale.

• The tarp would be brought out to cover the field three days after the rains had passed.

• Thursdays would be Free Shotgun Night.

• The nearby Six Flags Over Texas would be destroyed when struck by a pair of speeding Trailways buses filled with cheerleaders from the Big East conference. The next day all of the current and former Yale mascots would be hastily whisked out of the country.

• And when the Rangers finally made it to the World Series, Bush would go on vacation at the ranch because, you know, ya gotta clear that brush.

=mike=