Raging Pencils
The universal web comic, by Mike Stanfill
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Short-arm Introspection.

This is a story about how I didn't get the clap.

You see, one of the many things no one tells you when you first set out on the Camino Real Te Amor is that, as a part of the act of love, the magical female moisturizing fluids which grease the Greatest Show On Earth sometimes comes loaded with tiny, naturally-occurring nano-ninjas that sneak down your meat-pipes and sabotage your man-bits.


The symptoms look exactly like gonorrhea. (Incidentally, this is the happy, friendly gonorrhea of Woodstock and disco days I'm referring to, not today's vicious strain which can strip the flesh off of a pharmaceutical lobbyist in 5 minutes.)

When this first happened to me I went to see the family doctor, a grizzled and rapidly deteriorating veteran of, apparantly, the War of Independence. As I entered the examination room the biggest, fattest, nastiest, ugliest nurse I'd ever seen plopped her butt in a chair by the door, crossed her arms and waited. Expectantly. Predatory.

Although my experiences with physicians up to that point had been somewhat limited this seemed a trifle odd. So when the doctor asked what I was there for I looked at the nurse, and then at the doc, then back at the nurse before blurting out that something gross and slimey was being puked up by Little Mikey.

The nurse promptly stood up, left the room and loudly called to her nurse buddies down the hall "He's got the clap!"

The antibiotics he prescribed had only a temporary effect as the symptoms quickly returned. Needless to say, the words my girlfriend and I were exchanging at this time were laced with anything but affection.

Luckily for the both of us I chose to visit the free clinic the next time this happened, whereupon a much younger and more enlightened physican cleared things right up.

"Infected prostate. Happens all the time. Take these pills for two weeks. Wear rubbers."

By the time I finally caught a real case of the clap my family doctor had passed on, taking the big nurse with him. Too bad. I think she would have enjoyed it.


Raging Pencils is a massive conceit courtesy of:

Mike Stanfill, Private Hand
Illustration • Animation • Web Design